I spend most of my weekends in the seminary –even though we’re given a break from Friday afternoon into Saturday. Over the weekend, several groups come in to conduct retreats and seminars. Sometime ago I had an experience that reminded of a scene in the Gospel. The scene is the calling of Nathanael in John 1:43-51. To understand my message, read the passage and then come back to the blog.
Done? Good. So here’s the story. I was working out in the seminary gym, blasting on the stereo, late one Saturday night. I decided to grab some water. As I walked out, I slammed the door into the face of some kid who was standing on the other side. He was about 19.
He apologized and explained that he was on retreat with his university. When he heard loud music coming from the other side of the door, he thought there a party. It was probably just as he pressed his ear against the door that I ran into him. [That's how God works these "coincidences", you know.]
We began talking about his retreat. At one point he remarked “You guys have a gym, too? This place [the seminary] is huge. You guys have it made.”
“Well,” I said, “prayer and study aren’t very active. So we need to work off extra energy while we’re here. It’s not just a frat house.”
“Yeah, I know,” he said. “I thought about being a priest or a brother but I think I should be a deacon…” [and then came my favorite line] “…after I get married.”
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Side note: I’m in no position to question his motives. From my experience, however, every time I’ve asked a young man who has expressed a desire to become a deacon, why he would like to do so, I’ve received the invariable answer “because I can preach and get married.” Every single time, without exception. I decided to give this kid the small benefit of the doubt and not ask him. I’ll write more at another time on the spirituality of the diaconate.
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So I asked: “Okay, I figure you’re about 18 or 19 years-old, right?”
“Yeah”
“Well, I think most dioceses want a candidate for diaconate to be at least 35 years-old. So you’ve got a good 17 years to pray and think about it.”
Catching on to my drift, he chimed in “you know, I’m not against the priesthood. I know we need priests and all that. But I just feel…” He trailed off.
“I hear you”, I said. Then, echoing St. JoseMaria Escriva, I said “in fact, I hope you have a holy, beautiful, and amazing wife…if that’s what God wants from you. Or, if He wills it, you could…”
“be a priest,” he finished my words.
We talked to some degree more. I told him about a few deacons I know who’ve discerned that they are not called to be married and yet not called to be priests. The Lord wants them to be single, celibate deacons, working in the world and for the Church. That amazed him.
“They might as well become priests,” he said.
“Only if it’s what God wants,” I responded. And I meant it. He was pensive.
“Listen, just as long as you try to be a holy as you possibly can and remain open to whatever Jesus wants, that’s all that really matters. Our Lord will show you.” I think he was heartened that I didn’t conscript him into the seminary.
We parted on the agreement to pray for each other.
Now I feel our Lord speaking to my heart close to what He had said to Natahanael, “here is a true Israelite.” “Yes, my Lord. But how long do you think he’ll stay sitting under that fig tree,” I wonder. “Not very long,” Jesus seems to say. “He’s already dusting off his pants and putting on his sandals. I’ll call him soon enough.”
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In my mind, I can imagine Nathanael knew Jesus was in town. Unlike Zacchaeus in Luke 19:1-10 or the two blind men in Matthew 20:30-34, this kid knows exactly where Jesus is walking. He can see Jesus in the distance, crossing the horizon. He can see Jesus and wants to walk over. Maybe Nathanael, too, was looking for holiness. Maybe he, too, was considering an easy way out. Something holds him back. The unknown. For this reason, when our Lord greets him and accepts his trust (at the prompting of a good friend), the perceptive Lord satisfies some of the young man’s worries.
“‘Do you believe because I told you that I saw you under the fig tree? You will see greater things than this.’ And he said to him, ‘Amen, amen, I say to you, you will see the sky opened and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man.’”
And suddenly the unknown is a bit clearer. The message is still cryptic. But there’s solace in knowing that we are following a Man who will eventually disclose the right answers. But one must first be open, stand up, and ask “can anything good come of the priesthood?” Or the diaconate, or the married life, or the religious life, for that matter. For all vocations belong to the Lord and must be asked of Him.
Behold, the Lord will make things clearer for you. Keep your eyes on Him, don’t lag too far behind the crowd of disciples, and pray with every step.
What more can I say but: Come and see.
What can I say but: Come and see.
It’s been a while since I have posted. My sincerest apologies, but there is alot to catch everyone up on. As I write this post, I am now just 13 days away from Diaconate Ordination which will take place on December 8. Bishop Nicholas DiMarzio will ordain 5 of us as deacons, 3 Rockville Centre men and 2 of us from Brooklyn.